Ex-fascist President Donald Trump announces “we’ll give communism a chance, let’s see what it does about those groceries.”
It was a bustling afternoon at the White House as journalists across the globe attempted to secure last-minute press credentials to cover the meeting between DSA Party mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani of New York City and Imperial American President Donald Trump. Security guards were denying me entry into the White House grounds due to my criminal record of sedition, but Zohran Mamdani stepped in on my behalf. “They’re with the Proletariat Post, I know them,” he said firmly. The guards ushered me in as if hypnotized and Mamdani shot me a devil-may-care wink as we headed for the Oval Office, arm-in-arm.
The post-meeting press conference proceeded as expected, with Trump and Mamdani reiterating their strong bond and unified goals addressing affordability for the 1 in 5 New Yorkers who live in poverty. Behind the President, a US flag hung with a conspicuous hammer-and-sickle insignia across its stripes. “Oh, that,” the President responded when the New York Post pointed it out. “A spectre is haunting New York — the spectre of communism. Watch out.” He went on to explain the symbol’s meaning of international proletariat solidarity. The journalists around me looked antsy. Mamdani stood smiling, not saying a word.
Without the impetus of a question, the President’s ramblings settled on the state of Israel. “Israel, or as I like to call it, Isfake, is an illegal settler-colonist state,” the President declared. “We both agreed on that. We’re working very hard to root out the tremendous evil of Zionist occupation from West Asia, just tremendous evil. We have a lot of very good people working very hard to dismantle the genocidal Netanyahu government and restore Palestinian sovereignty.” Mamdani nodded but seemed at a loss for words. His hands were waving subtly behind the President, evoking in this reporter’s mind a Jedi mind trick from the film Star Trek. “Israel will be vanquished,” the mayor-elect agreed.
I had the chance to ask President Trump about his prior comments condemning socialism and communism as recently as 1994. “You know, I had ideas when I was young. I thought I knew something. But that’s youth, right? But we’ll give communism a chance, let’s see what it does about those groceries.” He went on to regard groceries as “an old-fashioned word, but an important one. You don’t hear people talking about them much anymore, the groceries. But they’re important and Mr. Mamdani and I plan to sort them out.”
As the police pulled me away, put me in cuffs, and read me my Miranda rights, I heard Trump close out the conference. “Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Thank you, everybody. God bless.”